Thing One and Thing Two!

In a completely and 100% True Story: 

This story has two parts, that go together as good as Thing One and Thing Two.

Thing One: My bitter half calls me from work on night about 3 hours before he comes home.

"I have a surprise for you when I get home," he says.
He's been known to bring me little gifts sometimes, like half eaten candy bars or empty packs of lunch room ketchup. Once he brought me dead rose stems, but that's another story.

So there I sit waiting. I hear his truck pull up and start to get anxious. what is it, what is it? 
He comes through the door with his hands in his jacket pockets.
"Pick a pocket," he says.

I look at his pockets. One of them is bulging. I pick that one and he holds out a huge wad of cash.
My eyes go wide and I'm speechless.
He walks over to me and hands me this huge pile of one dollar bills. There's 200 of them.
"Mine?" I ask. "All mine, just for me?"

He nods his head. I leap up and kiss him and he giggles.
"What? why are you giggling?"

"You should have picked the other pocket," he says with a huge grin as he pulls out a much smaller wad of cash. All 50's and 20's. An accumulated total of 700.00 dollars.

I pout. 

Thing Two: My bitter half calls me from work one night and says, "I have a surprise for you when I get home."

He's been known to bring me little gifts sometimes. Once he brought me home a huge wad of cash.

So there I sit, hoping he's won the check pool at work again. I'm not going to pick the bulging pocket this time. 

His truck pulls up and I'm getting more and more excited. He walks through the door and looks at me.
"You ready for your surprise?"
I nod my head anxiously, but notice his hands are not in his pockets this time.

I watch a smile spread across his face, his hand slowly moving up towards the hat on his head.
He pulls it off and gleefully says, "SURPRISE"

My mouth drops open and tears start to fill my eyes.
"You're... You're BALD!" I screech.
I'd never even tried to picture my bitter half without hair before. It was horrid. His ears stuck out to far away from his head, and the very top of his skull made this awkward little cone shape.

"You realize we're not going to have sex without your hat on until it grows back, right?"