In a recent but mostly true story...
Arrested for Solicitation in Walmart.
I was almost and mostly arrested at Walmart today. I did something I normally wouldn't do. I let my bitter half tag along with me to walmart.
"You hate shopping," I gave him a quizzical eye. "Why do you wanna go?" I asked suspiciously.
"I was hoping we could have a quicky in the changing room," he replied simplistically.
I stopped half way between the bedroom and the bathroom and shook my head. Did I hear him right? This, my completely non spontaneous, always only vanilla partner of 20+ years is suggesting we have sex in a public changing room at Walmart? The man's never been kinky, where's this coming from?
I walk back to the bedroom and stick my head around the frame of the door. "Did you just say you wanted to fuck in the changing room at Walmart?" I asked denoting my surprise.
"Yup!" he said, pulling on his jeans.
"Seriously?" I eyed him closely. Surly he was just messing with me. This, my never kinky, mostly missionary, only in the bedroom with the door locked even when were the only ones home, husband?
He turned to face me while he zipped his fly and buttoned up, a devious smile on his face that I don't recall ever having seen on him before.
"This isn't like you at all, it's only 9:00 am and your awake, and almost dressed. You want to go to Walmart with me, very Un-you. And you want to have sex in a changing room at our local Walmart," I paused. "I think you're fucking with me." I crossed my arms as he sat on the bed to put his socks on.
"You wrote about sex in a changing room didn't you?" he asked, lowering his voice from happy and playful to... I finally read one of your books and I know what you think about all day.
"Are you saying you finally decided to check out one of my books?" A slow smile spread across my face as I crossed the room, standing next to the bed.
"I got pissed off at angry birds. I was flipping through your kindle books and saw one with a pretty hot cover. I opened it and started skimming for a sex scene. I found the scene about the dressing room. The one where he makes her give him a blow job. I actually thought it was kind of hot."
I couldn't help but laugh a little. "After all this time and your reason for taking a peek into one of my books is being angry at angry birds?"
"I didn't know it was your book, I didn't even read the title, I just liked the cover." he said, "When I closed it I noticed your author name," he said, standing up as he pulled his T-shirt over his head.
I said a silent little thank you to my cover artist and giggled. "If you'd read the author name would you still have opened it?"
"Ummmm" he's looking down at his feet.
"You Sod!" I slapped his arm. "You must have liked what you read despite not EVER wanting to read one of your wifes books," I said sarcastically.
He was smirking. "I think I said I liked it. The reason I don't want to read your books is because I don't like the thought of those who buy them doing what I did last night while reading it."
My mouth fell open a little.
"Yes, I'm anal like that. I think it's cool that you got published and that your working hard at keeping it going. But in my mind I know you write about and well," he stalled. "I mean guys who read it..."
"Oh for crying out loud, just say it. You don't wanna read them because if they turn you on they're turning other men on and you don't like them beating off to my stories." I said surreptitiously.
"Yup," he said flatly making direct eye contact. "So are we going to Walmart?"
"Just give me a minute to absorb you not wanting to read my books." I started chewing at the corner of my lip. He hates when I do that, it annoys him.
"Yet after you read the hot blow job in the dressing room scene, it makes you want to do it? You? Mr. only in the bedroom... with the lights off, and the door locked?" I snort trying not to laugh.
"Actually I just want to see if you'll actually do it. I mean I know you write about this stuff and you've told me a thousand times you'd like me to be more kinky. I'm betting you won't really follow through once were standing at the door of the dressing room at Walmart." he said, teasingly, but presenting it as a challenge.
"Oh really?" I said, taking his hand, leading him from the bedroom."Should I put on some lipstick then? I mean we do want this authentic to the story, right?"
So there we were, in our local Walmart. I have a dress, two pair of shorts, a top and a pair of jeans in my hand when we round the partition to the changing rooms.
I get my little numbered hanger for 5 garments and go into the dressing room. After stalling a bit I peek out the door and say "Honey, come here and help me with this, I think my bra strap just broke," I'm peeking at the girl who's job it is to monitor the changing rooms, she doesn't seem to hear or object.
He hesitates, and I give him that -don't you dare cop out on me look. He takes all four steps and I pull him into the little changing room with me.
He's coping out on me. I knew it. I want to laugh, but I'm pissed too. I mean, he's coping out on me.
So were arguing about his cock in the changing room and apparently the girl who monitors the changing rooms is paying better attention now. Little did we know - because we weren't paying attention- that she had called her manager. She told him there was a prostitute in the changing room trying to solicit a man.
I was blacked up against the door so he couldn't get out. I wasn't letting him out of this. I still had shopping to do. This was when the store manager approached. I didn't have a clue. I was pleading with my cop out husband. "Come on, you'll love it. Once I get my lips wrapped around it you'll forget all about being in a Walmart changing room."
Knock, Knock, Knock
"Oh Shit!" we said simultaneously.